Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
