Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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