i don't plan on having that self control this summer
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
