And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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