never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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