dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
