I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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