Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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