Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We left the knife in your bed.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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