please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
