Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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