Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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