when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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