I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
