smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.