I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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