I puked a lego.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
