I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
