I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
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