You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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