This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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