saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
