Kiss
Puke
i think my tv is drunk
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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