Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
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The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
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Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
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