I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
