I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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