I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
