I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.