My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
