went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
His nipple licking is glorious
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