I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
