i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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