I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
