Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
My sheets look like a crime scene.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I don't deserve a penis
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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