I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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