I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
