someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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