i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
