Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
