im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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