i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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