There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
