I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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