Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
