then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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