You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
