barbara walters just said penis...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
