ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Is Oprah even human
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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