I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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