Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
