Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
