Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
