I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
