and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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