I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
How many fucks given?
0.12846
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
