the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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